Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Donald Trump is the third coming of Jesus Christ

He's not the second coming of Christ, but the Third. The second coming of Our Savior was split between José Luis de Jesús and "the Teacher", with 51% being José and 51% being "the Teacher". Donald J. Trump is now a fully 100% Jesus of the 21st century.

If you aren't aware of the first coming of Jesus, it was this lizard.

"But wasn't Jesus the epitome of niceness?" You say? Well, think again. Jesus has flipped shit a few times in the Bible. In Matthew 21:12, Jesus "overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves." And in John 2:15 Jesus "made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts..." and "scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables." There it is, folks. Take it as you will. This Jesus isn't flipping tables. This Jesus is building a wall, and Mexico's paying for it. Not with shekels, but with pesos. Muchos pesos.

Gravity is a force of fat shaming

In my twelfth year of public school, before going into a gender studies program at a major university, I learned about gravity and its effects on the human body. I realized that gravity has more health consequences for people who have to deal with more weight. Gravity is a force of fat shaming, and it needs to be stopped. Without gravity, fatness is just as 'normal' as being skinny. So below I've listed the means of war for which we are to use to stop the menace–that has spread around the world in the last few years–known as gravity. Let not its oppressive strength pull you to your knees!


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Why it's okay for me to cheat in multiplayer games

Me cheating in CSGO
Being a fluid race and fluid race being, I have to deal with many forms of oppression. One way that I escape from this oppressive regime of cis normies is by playing video games. Sometimes I cheat. Sometimes I cheat most of the time. Sometimes I cheat all the time.

Now cheating may sound bad to you, but it gives me a feeling of relief. You have to understand, it's only okay when someone like me does it. I fight oppression by pub-stomping the average cis white basement-dwelling nerds that unfairly make up the majority of the gaming demographic. Also the attic-dwelling ones, if I have to be inclusive on all fronts.

I tell the gamers to check their privilege when I hear their nasally white voices. Then out of nowhere they get mad at me and call me a "faggot" and tell me to "shut up" out of nowhere like I did something wrong. I fucking hate entitled gamers. But I'm getting sidetracked here; back to the discussion.

"I can pop the head of any cis white male that gets in my way, through walls, across the map, you name it."

So they're being the usual assholes they are, which leads me to when I start cheating and griefing. Really, I'm cheating the whole time but I usually lay off the rage hacks and more obvious stuff. I'm not a bad person, so I do have some mercy when it comes to cheating.

I press my special macro key after scraping off some of the cheese sauce so I can see its light show through. This activates the best hacks on the market. I can pop the head of any cis white male that gets in my way, through walls, across the map, you name it. They get frustrated and I can laugh behind my computer while their time is wasted and their lives are ruined.

When my own teammates respond negatively to me trying to better their progressive instincts and tear down their gender barriers, I make sure I enable my expensive anti-kick hack and kill them randomly. Not every round, but randomly, so they feel like they have a chance to do something but then I kill them again!

When I cheat, I can feel at ease knowing I've defended social justice yet again.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

A story of a black janitor in a dream

I have crazy dreams every now and then, and the ones I remember most are ones I have after falling back to sleep. This one might have a message behind it about perspective, but it's just a dream and I didn't really have control over what happened. There were a few other things going on in the dream but this part is what I remember most because it was so damn odd. I felt it was necessary to racially analyse this event. Not because I'm racist, but because I understand the struggle (maybe more than you).

I was in a normal size class room but it looked old and had a high ceiling with wood panel walls and outdoor benches for seating/tables, one of them I was sitting at with another person. There was a TV on the wall playing a violent horror film—something about zombies. As a black janitor comes into the room to do his thing, he looks at the TV the moment two black men appear on screen. He asks openly, "why are they watching this here?" Still looking at the TV, he sees one of the black men single -handedly (yes, literally) shove a chainsaw into the other's neck.

The "black" janitor :)

The scene looked more cartoonish than disturbing to me in the dream because there wasn't any blood at that point, and the guys both just stood still, with the chainsawer's arm and victim's head being the exceptions. The janitor then has a negative reaction that I don't remember specifically but it was something along the lines of a mild-volume but still dramatic "oh god" in a disgusted tone instead of horrified.

Now, for some reason in the dream I knew the majority of the school was white. With this detail, I thought the janitor meant "why are they watching this here?" like it was some kind of anti-black propaganda or at least a black-majority character production and it just didn't make sense for a mostly-white school to be watching it. Or he was just disgusted by the violence being shown onscreen at a school for kids. *shrugs*

But maybe I missed something. Perhaps I missed him seeing some zombies or violence before asking the question—or he had recognized the movie—and he was disturbed by the gruesome action of a chainsaw being shoved into a someone's neck. I guess it depends on what he's sensitive to, but I don't think I'll be able to find out.

Maybe his race doesn't even matter in this situation, and I read into this dream way too far. Nah, it's probably that he's an oppressed black janitor being reminded of his brothers from a past life in the fields. Always gotta remember that on a daily basis to be a healthy-minded black American.

Sorry this wasn't some kind of porn if the title threw you off. heh

Monday, July 27, 2015

Sorry, but Pong is racist and sexist


Games have been less than welcoming to people of color since their inception. Pong is no exception. Who would have thought games were racist before #gamergate? A racist misogynist, that's who! A person blind to the hypocrisy of games.

Just think about this: everything important in Pong is white--pure white to be clear. The paddles, the ball (don't even get me started on how it's not round), the score, and even the dividing line. The background is black, exemplifying that people of color are meaningless background objects. This idea was being reinforced among the mostly white male demographic that were and still are the majority of gamers. That concept has been taken far beyond in covert ways today.

Pong was developed by cis white men. CIS. WHITE. MEN. The most despicable humans—no, subhumans. This is the main reason why we should band together to boycott (girlcott, blackcott, colorcott, etc.) so that the devs will go out of business and then bow down to ME!!! I mean us. Or never mind, they'll just be broke like they should be. This might be hindered by the fact that the game was released in 1972 (a VERY sexist time) and that it's free online and available on mini consoles and knock offs everywhere, but it's the thought that counts! FIRE THE TWITTER CANNONS!!! #banpong

If you haven't been triggered hard enough to be a twitter storm trooper, viewing this video will surely enrage you, as cis white men are having fun and not making out. Once again, the black/white dichotomy is used even in the very production of this video. The contrast of the white and black values symbolizes whites and blacks being at odds with each other. But I digress, just watch the damn video and feel your blood BOIL.

Now, let me get to how pong is sexist, anti-feminist, and anti-women (which is the same as anti-feminist). Have you seen the original controller? It has two square breasts with nipples that are the actual function pieces! It resembles a disembodied torso of our fellow fembotkins and is just a toy to be played with by cis white scum. If the patriarchy isn't so obvious now that you're tweeting digital intercontinental missiles at Atari from your smartphone, you can't call yourself a feminist; you're a parody of a feminist.
Most sexist game controller ever
Most sexist game controller ever

Pong can be fun, but the undertones, overtones, midtones, tertiary tones, etc. are just ruining the game for me and you. If we can band together, we could change the retro gaming industry for better and forever.

Stay fancy, comrades!