Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Donald Trump is the third coming of Jesus Christ

He's not the second coming of Christ, but the Third. The second coming of Our Savior was split between José Luis de Jesús and "the Teacher", with 51% being José and 51% being "the Teacher". Donald J. Trump is now a fully 100% Jesus of the 21st century.

If you aren't aware of the first coming of Jesus, it was this lizard.

"But wasn't Jesus the epitome of niceness?" You say? Well, think again. Jesus has flipped shit a few times in the Bible. In Matthew 21:12, Jesus "overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves." And in John 2:15 Jesus "made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts..." and "scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables." There it is, folks. Take it as you will. This Jesus isn't flipping tables. This Jesus is building a wall, and Mexico's paying for it. Not with shekels, but with pesos. Muchos pesos.

Gravity is a force of fat shaming

In my twelfth year of public school, before going into a gender studies program at a major university, I learned about gravity and its effects on the human body. I realized that gravity has more health consequences for people who have to deal with more weight. Gravity is a force of fat shaming, and it needs to be stopped. Without gravity, fatness is just as 'normal' as being skinny. So below I've listed the means of war for which we are to use to stop the menace–that has spread around the world in the last few years–known as gravity. Let not its oppressive strength pull you to your knees!


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Why it's okay for me to cheat in multiplayer games

Me cheating in CSGO
Being a fluid race and fluid race being, I have to deal with many forms of oppression. One way that I escape from this oppressive regime of cis normies is by playing video games. Sometimes I cheat. Sometimes I cheat most of the time. Sometimes I cheat all the time.

Now cheating may sound bad to you, but it gives me a feeling of relief. You have to understand, it's only okay when someone like me does it. I fight oppression by pub-stomping the average cis white basement-dwelling nerds that unfairly make up the majority of the gaming demographic. Also the attic-dwelling ones, if I have to be inclusive on all fronts.

I tell the gamers to check their privilege when I hear their nasally white voices. Then out of nowhere they get mad at me and call me a "faggot" and tell me to "shut up" out of nowhere like I did something wrong. I fucking hate entitled gamers. But I'm getting sidetracked here; back to the discussion.

"I can pop the head of any cis white male that gets in my way, through walls, across the map, you name it."

So they're being the usual assholes they are, which leads me to when I start cheating and griefing. Really, I'm cheating the whole time but I usually lay off the rage hacks and more obvious stuff. I'm not a bad person, so I do have some mercy when it comes to cheating.

I press my special macro key after scraping off some of the cheese sauce so I can see its light show through. This activates the best hacks on the market. I can pop the head of any cis white male that gets in my way, through walls, across the map, you name it. They get frustrated and I can laugh behind my computer while their time is wasted and their lives are ruined.

When my own teammates respond negatively to me trying to better their progressive instincts and tear down their gender barriers, I make sure I enable my expensive anti-kick hack and kill them randomly. Not every round, but randomly, so they feel like they have a chance to do something but then I kill them again!

When I cheat, I can feel at ease knowing I've defended social justice yet again.