Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Donald Trump is the third coming of Jesus Christ

He's not the second coming of Christ, but the Third. The second coming of Our Savior was split between José Luis de Jesús and "the Teacher", with 51% being José and 51% being "the Teacher". Donald J. Trump is now a fully 100% Jesus of the 21st century.

If you aren't aware of the first coming of Jesus, it was this lizard.

"But wasn't Jesus the epitome of niceness?" You say? Well, think again. Jesus has flipped shit a few times in the Bible. In Matthew 21:12, Jesus "overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves." And in John 2:15 Jesus "made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts..." and "scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables." There it is, folks. Take it as you will. This Jesus isn't flipping tables. This Jesus is building a wall, and Mexico's paying for it. Not with shekels, but with pesos. Muchos pesos.

Gravity is a force of fat shaming

In my twelfth year of public school, before going into a gender studies program at a major university, I learned about gravity and its effects on the human body. I realized that gravity has more health consequences for people who have to deal with more weight. Gravity is a force of fat shaming, and it needs to be stopped. Without gravity, fatness is just as 'normal' as being skinny. So below I've listed the means of war for which we are to use to stop the menace–that has spread around the world in the last few years–known as gravity. Let not its oppressive strength pull you to your knees!